No more space for Hope...

  

    Every now and then I’m faced with a crisis…its not usually simple enough for me to explain here but it generally revolves around this small expression: “What the hell am I doing now?!” I survive these episodes of euphoric (yes, euphoric…) depression with the self consolation that most people must also be going through times like this and the hope that ‘this too shall pass’, but this time that hasn’t helped me out too much. I have always believed in the power of Hope. There have been times in which the most important people in my life have not been there to show support…there have been times when the people I expected to believe in me, didn’t really believe that I would be able to accomplish certain things (I don’t blame them, if it was me in their shoes it would have been the same.) but belief in the Big Guy, and hope that things will turn out the way I pray have kept me on the road (albeit at a slow pace)…

But the crisis now is that hope is keeping me down. Whats the point in hoping, in praying, in dreaming of something and then finding out that it wasn’t worth it? What if  the glory I hope for doesn’t want me? What will happen if Hope gives way to dependence and I shut out all other doors of opportunity? What if I’ll never wake up from making castles in the air…castles that no one else wants to see…castles that will wither away soon….

And so for now…I bid adieu to hope…

sooner or later

Hmm...i find that laziness can be quite an obstacle..its been more than a week since i've come back from indore..I meant to write about it here..u know a detailed version..but that seems far to difficult now.Now its not the laziness its the lack of time..My classes for 2nd yr start the day after.Though it doesn't sound too ominous,i'm pretty scared.So i just hope i'll be able to post that and a few poems(which need a bit more work n lengthening) sooner or later..
till then....bye bye

The Puppet

She holds her head up so high,

When all she wants deep inside

Is to just let it all go,

To feel for once on her own!!

But she’s a puppet in her own world…

Those strings just pull her back

Tugging at a heart ripped apart

If fate could hold still for a second

Then she would live…she would,

Never as a puppet in her own world!

She would stand so still to catch a breeze

Sleep one night without those tears

Whistle a tune to ease her disquiet

Remember a kiss for the love it held

Steal a touch to remember it again

Hold a friend close for all to see

Smile for once with her heart

Smile for once without having to hide it all!

But fate still sways against her hope

Time still stays against her will

No one can cut the ropes that bind her so

All they do is tighten her role

And still she remains a puppet in her world...

All she does is dance a tune

A song written by minds unknown

To decide her fate, her path to choose

Her love to be, her passionate rights

Her way of life, her last deluge…

Still a puppet in her own world

The Missile Man comes to CMC!!

Ok what I’m about to say is pretty cool. There was this huge (I mean it…)function at my college today... Now guess who the chief guest was…………Dr A P J Abdul Kalam!!!!

He launched the new project from Institute of palliative Medicine (in association with cmc students and the city police…cool huh).Titled SREE it stands for Support Rehabilitation Education Empowerment is a landmark achievement in palliative medicine (which means giving treatment directed at relief from pain for terminally ill patients..)It’s also the first such program that incorporates the participation of the police force, something the City Police Commissioner was very pleased to point out today. But the person who stole the show today was no doubt our beloved former pres! I mean he still runs about with the zeal of youth. No wonder people throng to see him…some people can just ooze off energy with their charisma. He even teased us during the interactive session…. ‘Are you all tired?’, ‘you are hungry?’

After the speeches we had an interactive session, which we had to unfortunately cut short due to the shortage of time. Students had pooled in 300+ questions (I think) of which only 11 were selected but only 4 could be presented! But Dr Abdul Kalam sir took care of those few questions with such ingenuity. The questions ranged across various topics: dreams, the space program etc etc. While answering he always asked about the students: asked them what their ambition in life was as a doctor (which he ingrained into us as erasing pain), which field they wished to specialize in (Preventive care!), what is your mission (you will find out the genetic cause for heightened cardiac problems in India)….and so on!

I should probably say the other ideals he introduced through his keynote address. He made us say aloud the following

• If God is with me, no one can be against me
•  I will work with integrity and succeed with integrity-He mentioned a case where a young doctor admitted to committing a mistake in surgery and damaging a patient’s artery. He went on to ask us how many of us would grow up to be able to claim our shortcomings and mistakes (a few hands came up at this point).
• A Medical Oath-this one was pretty long. I couldn’t take it down.

Another aspect of the event was the extensive security measures. We had to go through that big metal detector thing (I’m still not sure what its called J ),had to get frisked, had to leave our mobiles outside(those few tech-free hours were actually quite relieving… but I kind of felt like a goose stuck on an island-I’m not even sure what that means!) and had to have invitation passes and ID cards. I managed to get a volunteer pass only much later on! Thankfully the security people didn’t bother too much at the compering desk… (Yeah I was there to compere.. J..There were two of us. I’m sooo grateful to my friends for calling me!)) .But we had to write down name and details etc and only a selected group were allowed onstage. The saddest part was we couldn’t get his bday gift sanctioned by the security (yeah it was Dr Abdul Kalam’s birthday today).We gave a huge card instead.

Ah...next order of business: the media! There were hordes of these guys!Like I said..huge function!!

All in all, it was a momentous occasion for CMC. I’m just glad we were all there to witness it.

Lazy me...

Hmm… I guess I haven’t been posting in a while. But I have a very sound and solid excuse...

I was lazy!

 Most of the people who know me will smirk when they hear something like this, a few may hit me with the nearest available insured object. The reason: they think it’s impossible for me to be lazy…If I ask them why… I get a bigger smirk and maybe another hit. I just don’t understand why people have this prejudice against me.

I sit straight in the front bench for a single boring lecture…. I’m recognized as studious…

I answer a question that no one even bothered to think over… I’m intelligent now…

I don’t go out to a party so as to complete my record…. I’m a teacher’s pet…!

I start an assignment early coz I’m busy the rest of the week….u r despicable!!

Well forgive me for thinking everyone could see I’m another ordinary human being... :P

I get lazy…I procrastinate...I fall asleep too… so there!!!

Well, now that I’ve explained my reason for not posting, let me explain my reason for posting. I came across new blogger themes… so couldn’t wait to try them out…And after the huge ordeal of logging in, downloading the template, unzipping it, uploading it and finally ogling at it for a whole 10 min… I decided I might post something new as well. Besides a few friends asked about my new posts too… :D Sure the site where I downloaded the template from said it was “in a few easy steps” but I’m not very tech-savvy. I did manage to get a new one, but I have no idea how to get my blogger navibar back…I’m not even sure if I’ll need it. Hell…the trouble I went through to get back my about me, followers etc… I thought they were gone forever.

About further postings...i’ve been running dry with my poetry writing lately…the last few days were spent drawing(or more like doodling..).My drawings so far are kinda similar to the atrocity you see on the left hand corner of this new template..LOL..The picture on the top is also my own creation.I couldn't think of any other picture to include here.….It didn’t come out too good in my stupid camera either.(which I dropped in front of dissection hall once…formalin drenched floors..err..)

In a moment

In this fleeting moment under the clouds

Eyes closed and a dream spinning

As the wind blows and silence turns sweet

A thought comes up and still it stays

Keeps me afloat and at steady pace…

My hands do not quiver

My gaze does not shift

No conflict in these eyes

No sorrow in that touch

But a new smile on her face

And a song on her lips.

Let me savor this moment

Let me hold it tight…

I was waiting for an answer

Maybe its happiness, maybe it is…

My vacation so far...

Being a medical student is not easy…well, that’s what I hear around me all the time anyway. I wouldn’t really know about it, I’ve just somehow finished my first MB exams. The phase I’m going through now is what most of my seniors have named “the last vacation your going to have in a long time”….So I decided I might write down about this momentous occasion!

When vacation started (for some of us that meant just after theory exams) there was an immediate flurry of excitement.
“Hey what r we going to do?”
“I’m gonna go home n sleep for the next 2 days”
“I’m going to hang out with friends”
“We’re planning an all-India tour”
“I’m going abroad!!”
“When r u inviting me to ur place??”
“When r u coming to my place”
“What about the juniors?”
………….
The list goes on….
Two days later, we all meet again to file some forms for the university. A glimpse of the situation then:
“I’m so bored!”
“Me too!”
“I just sleep n watch TV”
“Well…at least its guilt free this time…”
“I wonder when class starts...”
“I still haven’t seen the juniors”
“It’s just started…we’ll probably start having a blast soon…”
“You think..?”

So the last vacation for a long time didn’t start off to well. But we haven’t lost heart. I don’t think cmc 52 is that easy to defeat!
So ppl start planning out their vacation forcefully…
“You’d better invite me for Ramzan celebration…or else”
“Ok…forget the all-India tour…how about north India?”
“What do u mean too expensive??!!”
“Fine...we’ll settle for just a city!”

I think the starting point for the mayhem to start was Eid. Invitations were accepted,(or forced into accepting),waistlines were neglected…and major fun was had..
My personal experience was at my best friend’s house. She invited me and other friends over for lunch on Eid. After the totally superb food,gracious hospitality...we sit down to chat…but then one of my brilliant friends decides that we should go for a walk…I start a talk on the 7 Don’t after a meal, with walking immediately after a heavy meal being one of them.10 seconds later I’m walking across a national highway with 10 other pals…!

Walked along a busy highway, crossed 2 rail lines(I went pretty hyper at this point), asked directions to lots of people, watched those people arguing over the directions, walked across a fishery harbor(glad to note olfactory sensations were optimal…hee hee),and finally reached the beach…
But I have to admit, it was fun. We went to the beach…it was totally different from the scene at the calicut beach hotspots. I saw lines of seashells scattered about...I can’t even remember the last time I saw so many of them

The day was spent with friends and family…I can’t think of anything more pleasing…

Now, most people who have known me won’t believe half of what I’m going to write next. But its true…it really is!
My friends and I were simply aimlessly wasting time when we found out that our college adventure sports club has arranged a 2-day program. So we set off on something I was sure would me a total embarrassment for me. This brings me to my little secret…actually it’s more common knowledge by now: I’m athletically challenged. I’m not quite sure of this term’s usage but I mean to say that I’m totally bad at anything that involves physical exertion…..or let alone, anything that involves a ball! Now imagine someone like that at an adventure sports meet!
But the adrenoventure(that was the name of the prog) turned out to be fun…There was Parasailing, Russian ladder, jhummering, valley crossing etc….I am pleased to announce that I flew…as in I Para-sailed… Well I did get nicely from my parents when I got home, but it was worth it…!! hopefully i'll add photos of that later...

And of course...my most productive work during the holiday: My beloved blog..!
Glad to see more people joining….keep joining and commenting

So that’s my vacation so far… there r more plans in the bag...n I’m sure I’ve missed out one or two cool things that should have been written here...But I don’t want the rest of my holidays to get jinxed… ;)

Metamorphosis...

You and I, we wait our turn,

We wait for transition to reach our turn,

As change inevitable revolves in time,

But all that really occurs is fate sublime…

For our hearts to feel an urge

Let me sing of another tale:

Of a imprisoned soul of mighty grit,

One that will arise like a free spirit…

She was once too shy to speak,

She was once too weak to proclaim

She was once the downtrodden one,

But my dears, now the tale has changed…!

She enters metamorphosis, still incomplete…

All you and I see, with heartless eyes,

Are failures galore and the end of the road…

But she…she in her silent slumber beholds

With eyes still closed, but a heart so open

A universe at her feet, new love to meet…

She waits in silence for her time,

When no mountain, no trench, nor mist divine

Can stop her from flying,

Can stop her from Becoming…

So, do not crush her humble abode

Adorned with dreams and unsung hopes.

Give her time, for wings to unfold…

Give her time, for winds to catch hold…

Give her time, for metamorphosis complete…

Picture Perfect

I walk across the street, alone

Thinking that someone will know

Why people love with hearts of stone…

When you look: its picture perfect, yet so low…

Can you see my smile crafted for life…?

One with a dainty glimpse of all my lies…

Through those false frames, gaze at my strife

As the last bit of faith in me dies…

Do you know the feeling: of endlessly falling,

Of grabbing, at any hand that offers support.

And finding out that life can sting,

Even when misery and joy both remain short…

You can’t stand me rising up,

How can I trust my back to you?

You’d prefer if I just gave up!!

You know, I think it’s time to be true…

I’ve had enough of your damn rules

Principles that clash with what you do!!

What makes you think I’ll be your fool?

It’s all over, I’m about to choose….

Been lying to myself, can’t take the pain anymore

Knowing that no one knows the real me anyhow

All around, people cramp my persona to the floor

Well…with this last cry, I’ll take my bow!!

At the beach...

Still remember that day at the beach

Frolicking while fun and laughter we did teach

To the seas all around, the tress and the sands…

Now those times slip right through my hands

Still hear the spring trees billowing

As I run fast behind you following

They watched sniggering, those sly trees

While we learnt that sand can skin knees

Towering sand castles built on dreams

To save a princess from her step mom’s schemes

Tempted her with tales of freedom

Just to drive away our own boredom…

Etched our names on seaside shores

Hoping the waves would wash off the floors

And a part us could ride those waves

To deep treasure laden sea caves…!

I reminisce that walk holding your hand

Two girls dancing where water met sand

Relive the surprise in finding a starfish

As to who would keep it…I was indeed selfish!

Silently listened to songs of shells

On their echoes, we did tales tell…

They sang a lonely mermaid’s story

And of their land’s forlorn glory

And as night fell and the moon did mount

Many a constellation we did count

Still we lay in eager anticipation

Of a day at the beach every vacation…

A fire in my heart

There was a fire in my heart

One that could burn away my fears

One that could emblazon my desires

Strong and fiery, I thought it would persevere

Then somehow in life’s jostling

My sizzling flames slowly died out

Now all that remains are cinders

So I can barely feel the warmth

I can’t believe its gone now

Extinguished like rotted heartwood

By perhaps those vanishing worries,

Or by maybe that darkness overwhelming

I still wait for it’s resurface

To scorch back my destiny’s path

For now I understand the power

Of that blistering rage of my heart

It could’ve stopped me going astray

Could’ve saved my heart from falling prey

Could’ve held my mind calm and steady

Could’ve gifted the strength to be somebody…

And today I did taste back a glimpse

Felt a searing heat in my veins

Felt the need to battle my ghosts

Felt the urge to stand my ground!!

Today I sensed a phoenix song

One that was pent up for too long…

Today I found that a fire could rekindle

Even at times of utmost wintry pain

And know I’m off to retrieve

That roasting drive to its full glory

I’ll not be looking back now

At the scalded path I’m making…

Embarassment Scenarios

I guess all of us have had to go through certain sticky situations that were downrigtht embarassing and sometimes humiliating!!today'as incident comes under that category..(I wanted to present it in poetry form but that requires a bit more thinking on my part...and these r not things which i wish to contemplate further on)

• Today..i went for an outing with my parents in a new jeans top.I had fallen in love with this top at first sight.I had been keeping it safe until today.So i finally wear it..alongwith very fashionista bangles n necklace n earrings n what-not!!I even wore more make-up than those sasumas n bahus in starplus!!So i feel very happy with myself n have a great time with my parents..I come home later to find...A HUGE price tag dangling from the back of my precious top!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;(
• I could go on n on..i'm your typical stereotype geek who gets in all unbelievable scenarios.But somehow talking about this stuff isn't making me feel any better!!

Happy Onam...

Its that festive season again in good old kerala....

well..it's not the same old season.i guess onam has changed a lot.I'm not talking about traditional changes..but changes that my generation itself has seen

For example the pookalam:traditionally while setting the flowers,certain simple rules(or rather..guidelines) ought to be followed.But the truth is i'm neither fully aware of them nor have i gone to any trouble to find out.When i was younger..i did apparently happen to follow those guidelines.But now let's face it...my yearly pookalams are more of a way for me to indulge in my eccentric styles than stick to tradition.I know this coz every year my dear grandma has the same smug expression on her face when she sees the flower carpets.But ammumma being ammumma doesn't say anything harsh.Please note this point:everything has changed around us but grandparents haven't...they are still legally bound to spoil us!!! :)

The next order of business...the food!!!Now this is where i am more than willing to change.Feasts set on banana leaves with dozens of curries can be mouthwatering, but can be tiring for your normal nuclear family.So the alternative:Package feasts.(Mind you.. they are just as good as the real ones.)But some rules are never broken..no non-veg during onam. :(

Payasam however has stood the test of time...it's still a major part of any celebration.But it is now more easier available.I for one love to make instant payasam!!

a lot more has changed..visits to friends n family has been substituted by time at home or outside!!i guess me sitting in front of a computer screen during uthradam is proof enough!!

Now i'm not someone to decide whether the change is for good or bad,but onam being onam and keralites being keralites we still manage to have a great time...!

A Thousand miles to heaven…

My years of life leave me now

To sail on a ship with no anchors…

The winds are weary and mists unfriendly

Perhaps I may never reach Heavens shores...

I can’t see who rows my ship,

I can only see the mighty oars sweep

And the waters crystal clear as day

While skies above me speak of night…

I never knew when I started

Dare not remember when I left,

But the shores I did kiss goodbye

Now all I can do is reminisce

I can see my life gone by

See its colors fade away

Birth, life and death remain,

Simple as a story, left to discuss…

When my mind should be calm and sober,

I still yearn to flit and dance

I realize that life has not left me

My life refuses to leave…

I wish there was a breeze here,

A breeze drenched in winter rains...

To cool my face to sickening blue

And finally remind me of the truth.

Before I reach the shores of Life,

I have sins to repent and wounds to heal

But time is not a matter,

When I have thousand miles to sail…

While I wait in silence,

Miles away my name was calling

For sins repented and wounds healing

Heaven’s shores were calling!

In years past when youth flourished

I had dreamt of the afterlife.

Dreamt of walking through Heavens orchards,

Dreamt of golden stairs to climb…

And now I look all around, searching for your face

What use to me, Heaven’s open doors?

When universes away voices keep calling…

“Miles away, still I love you all the same…”

Well....glad to say i've finally started blogging.Rather than a platform to showcase my poems i'd rather think of this as a fuel to keep me writing!!

so here goes.. one of my recent poems..

This night sky

The night sky is blank tonight

Its canvas a scary hue

Veiled, hidden unnatural beauty...

Holding back treasures unseen:

A million wishes, carried along

A thousand dreams, held close

A few prayers spread about...

No hint of moonlight tonight,

No sparkle of stardust tonight,

These clouds hide it all...

Perhaps it may also hold,

In its safest bosom:

The mist from a lover's tears

The turmoil of a friend's anger

Whisperings of a silent prayer

Rustle of a veil about to be lifted

The sweet hum of a night song

The caress of a fathers arm

Perhaps ...